we can feel...

mood: calm

It's my  first  words of my real story  through bbm.acctully I never talk to any one about this.how by hearing 4 words life of a girl  could chang?
that was hard to tell and I found it easier to write.of course in english-my favorit language-which people who have the same feeling of mine talk with.who I call all of them my freinds.
It's about  4 years ago I was in my room reading some stuff in my school's book.my daddy was in living room and radio was on.that was BBC news which my daddy use to hear those days .I don't really care about the news and report  which was going on but then reporter start to talk about  a film named BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN and then those words come.the man said"romance between two cowboys"....
There is something I shoud say so if I don't  this story will not become a real one.
I found my attraction to gay love relationship before.maybe when I was jast 15 years old and till now I don't have any idea how this attraction happend to me or if  I am the only famale that love gay men...
after that I just Stop by searching some photo about the film which in fact  don't impress me .but after I accepted in university -1 year ago-I got so many free times. it started by reading the original story then articles and reviews from any site I found by searching internet it became a habit of mine.there was so meny filtering pages couse of  my country which internet is so limited.then i found leechvideo.com that was not filter yet so I download the videos as much as I could .started to watch them  million times.converted them so I could whatch them in my cellphone whenever and whereever I want I some how became addicted to that  and then I had just one dream in my life:watching brokeback mountain.
I don't know if that was  madness ,sign of depressing or what,but I know I never forget those 5 mounths from when I saw first video of BBM to when  miracle happend and I got  the film.
ye... I call it miricale even if all the people of the world laugh at me.it dos'nt bother me I'm diffrent it's not at all easy couse nobody know it here even my best friends thanks to my excellent skill of pretending.
ye.. Finilly right at the time when the fire of desire was burning at me I got the film from one of my friend's brother
actually she look at me in disgust but it was the  smallest thing I was willing to pay for that.that was nothing and of course we were freinds and according to my mentioned skill that was no long.
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I wanted to write more about when I heard heath's death-which was the same time I was downloading a BBM  music video,about my feeling when I have BBM CDs in my hands and etc.
but right now this is the best I could write.
becouse I feel  alone in this, your comments are so  welcome to me.
thank's.
pichoo.